I don’t know what I did.
You didn’t, though, and you’d never find out.
You wouldn’t see it coming. If you were paying close attention there might have been a day or two of people giving each other subtle eye-rolls when you walked in. A faint, wincing paranoia might have started to snag at you. But you wouldn’t be prepared. Nobody ever was. That might have been the point.
Not knowing might be down to the amnesia. Equally it might have been some sort of social blindness on my part, except that it wasn’t. There were others, victims and reluctant perpetrators. When we talked about it later we called it the Silence.
It was a sudden, weaponised ostracism. You’d come in one day to find yourself invisible. People would look through you, talk over you, make plans in front of you and leave you out. Buses would leave without you. If you tried to talk to someone they’d cut you dead or wait wordlessly until you were out of their path.
There’s a special kind of haunted isolation that comes from being surrounded by people who won’t acknowledge your presence except to pointedly deny you attention. It’s not the sort of soft loneliness you can retreat from with a book, oh no. The Silence would follow you.
Reading or drawing or doing any other thing to keep yourself occupied would somehow turn up the freeze. They’d get louder, more animated, more affectionate toward each other. Without ever explicitly acknowledging your presence they’d work to ensure you knew you were being left out.
The icing on the cake was that the first time the Silence got turned on me I was stuck on a desert island with thirty of them and none of anybody else. And I still don’t know what I did.
It was apparent from the moment I woke up on that second last day that it was my turn in the barrel. I was always last to breakfast, preferring to wait until everyone else was done, but it got packed up in front of me when I came to get some. Questions about the day’s plans went unacknowledged. People started conversations with one another if I persisted in trying to talk to them.
The third last conversation I had was the strangest. A girl came to see me. Not a friend. Usually hostile. Classically beautiful enough that she’d had to develop a xenomorph exoskeleton of excoriating verbal cruelty to deflect the relentless abrasion of male sexual attention. She softly told me some things implying she’d been watching me get changed and do various other things during the week. She asked me to “stop doing the eyebrow thing” because she found it “confusing”. Then went right back to being awful.
It’d been a weird trip already so this seemed par for the course. We were sixteen and my brain would just lock up whenever I was addressed by someone attractive so I said little and thought less.
The second last conversation was also started by someone else, in private. I was nominally friends with Box. His extreme mental health issues hadn’t become apparent yet but he was already as odd as a bottle of chips and we didn’t connect far beyond some shared interests. Over a couple of years we’d gone from talking about D&D to talking about early Pink Floyd records but the line terminated there.
Nobody else was usually much interested in talking to him so I imagined cutting me off would be a kind of social suicide, but he did it anyway. It seemed gutsy to me even while I was being rejected. “I can’t be friends with you anymore,” he told me. “How come?” I asked. “It’s not worth it,” he said.
I was wrong about it being a bad move though, he got suddenly, noisily and temporarily much more popular.
The last conversation was with Bam, my one real friend. We’d been close since we were nine. “I can’t keep talking to you,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “It’s just not worth it.” “I understand,” I said.
Thankfully the next day involved a choppy three hour barge ride where nobody else had figured out the trick of sitting in the wheelhouse watching the horizon and eating gingernut biscuits with the pilot so I was happy to be left out of the communal activities. Breakfast didn’t seem like such a missed opportunity either, viewed over.
The Silence lasted the duration of Expo ’88 and a number of very, very long bus rides then petered out over a few days once we were home.
Box and Bam drifted back to talking to me, teachers started addressing me directly again and everyone else went back to what passed for normal in Arcadia.
I watched Box go through the same thing later that year. He quit school in response, preferring to take up a steady career in full-time pot smoking.
My own longest bout with the Silence lasted three weeks. I never found out what I was supposed to have done. You never did.